


The Orange Catholic Bible

by chicagoartnerd



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Agender Character, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Artificial Intelligence, Consent Issues, M/M, Mad Science, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 17:31:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1752905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chicagoartnerd/pseuds/chicagoartnerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 1991 and Tony is supposed to be an adult, making adult decisions, and coping with adult problems. His parents are dead, Rhodey's just been shipped overseas for Operation Desert Storm, and Tony's been listening to Alice In Chains too much. </p><p>What is a little playing God, just a bit of tinkering with artificial intelligence, here and there if you found love along the way?</p><p> Rhodey is going to kill him when he gets home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Orange Catholic Bible

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I was alive in the 90s but my memories of it are limited mostly to jelly shoes and tamagotchis so I had to do a bunch of research to squeeze in all of Tony's pop culture references. I hope they are appreciated. Also I have found a love for writing Jarvis and Rhodey which I might have to continue. Brownie points for anyone who gets what the title of the fic is referencing. "Thou shalt not make a machine in the likeness of man's mind."
> 
> And for anyone who is interested I am also on tumblr as [chicagoartnerd](http://chicagoartnerd.tumblr.com/) as well. I post a lot of MCU at the moment and little bits of fic and meta here and there.

The compressor elbow’s hose wouldn’t inflate. He had traced back the tubing several feet worth and couldn’t find any hissing leaks or obvious crimps. Maybe it was in the actual motor instead. That would just be his luck, half the components were welded in place.

Tony ran a grease covered hand through his hair again and squinted at the elbow in the dim rhythmically flashing light of his workshop. Come to think of it that light shouldn’t have been blinking, he wasn’t even running Linux on that computer yet. It was supposed to be a tabula rasa of a machine. He glared at the black computer screen covered in glowing white courier and read the line of text several times.

**The hose isn’t fully secured to the motor Sir.**

He didn’t remember turning on the Heuristically Operative Matrix Emulator Rostrum on this computer, hell he didn’t remember turning on this computer at all. But then again he also hadn’t slept in at least 52 hours so there was a lot things that just kinda slipped his mind.

Tony checked the hose and sure enough it wasn’t all the way screwed in. Why hadn’t he looked at that first? Maybe that was why the screen had been flashing so insistently at him for the last fifteen minutes. Wait, so the screen had been trying to get his attention.

The robot arm he was trying to repair no longer seemed particularly important. He hadn’t been messing around with the A.I at all recently and yet it seemed to have turned itself on to aid him. Tony tried not to snicker as he typed back a “thanks for the help.” and waited for a response. As the letters appeared across the lines of the screen Tony blinked heavily.

**You’re welcome, and any time Sir.**

Sleep was probably a good idea.

Even though his fingers twitched over the keyboard to type more. He had seen 2001 a Space Odyssey, War Games, and The Terminator (the second one was about to come out and he had been invited to the premier in a couple weeks) he knew the dangers of making a computer too human, too self-aware.

And yet like pretty much every mad scientist out there in comics, books, and movies he wanted to know if he could. Create an artificial life, create something just as smart, or smarter, than he was. He was waxing way too philosophical for having just eaten a dinner of cheetos and diet coke at five in the afternoon.

The afterimage of that text followed him behind his eyelids as he shut them in his massive empty bed. Something was going on in that computer. And whatever else it was, God in the machine etc, it was complicated and intriguing. Those two things were pretty much all Tony thought about nowadays, complications and interesting problems, they were all he wanted to think about. If it was a computer as well as doing something complexly intriguing, well that was just a bonus.

Any little bit of code, hydraulics, or processor chips that could distract him from himself were more valuable than aged brandy at this point. Anything to stop the introspection that came with being alone in a fucking giant empty mansion on 5th Avenue in Manhattan.

The only people who came to see him anymore were Obie and Happy, and they were technically his employees. It was like he had some sort of contagion. Surprisingly the New York elite and all the upperclassmen who used to make fun of him at MIT were too stupid to realize you couldn’t catch dead parents.

Not that he blamed them for avoiding him. He was kinda a buzz kill after getting totally hammered at his parents funeral and breaking half the chairs at the wake trying to feel something that wasn’t numbness. If Rhodey had been there we wouldn’t have let him anywhere near the bar.

Tony tried not to think too often about theoreticals unless they involved physics somehow. The papers would have loved his grief stricken, drunk rampage. They would have eaten it up, but luckily Obie had his back by making a private service.

A week after the funeral he had gotten a late letter from Rhodey in Iraq offering his deepest condolences and promising Tony he would see him the minute his tour was up. Tony didn’t have another six months to wait though. Destruction and doom where hanging over him here and there was no way out.

It didn’t help that Rhodey was probably dying on some godforsaken stretch of sand. Tony shivered as he slipped deeper under the sheets of massive king sized bed. Operation Desert Storm was the only reason he had agreed with Obadiah and signed those defense contracts with the U.S. military. If he could protect James with better body armor and better guns then he would have signed over his majority of Stark International stock and his immortal soul, possibly also his roguish good looks. But there were no guarantees of safety like that in war.

All those years dear old dad had fought to keep some of his most advanced tech out of the government’s hands. Which seemed ironic to Tony since his father had gotten his big start by accepting a bunch of defense contracts and helping build Captain fucking America but what did he know? Not much if you cared to listen to his father at all. Maria, on the other hand, had hid herself away in a bottle rather than raise him so Howard’s lackluster parenting was all Tony had ever had.

If it was anyone else’s story it would have been sad but he was Tony Stark, now the owner of a massively successful weapons and tech company, and one of the richest men in the world at the tender age of 21, what did he have to be sad about?

He was so alone.

When Tony woke up he wasn’t sure what day it was, not that it particularly mattered, but the sun was out. He ate something resembling a breakfast that he found in a tupperware container in his fridge and then headed back to the blacked out windowless room that was his lab. The robot arm was waiting for him, still half repaired, and he smiled down at it.

“Have to say you’re almost more helpful as a pile of scrap than as an arm Dum-E.”

He started to connect the right cables, and bam, just like that the clunky robot was swinging around and rolling across the floor towards his computer work desk. Tony clicked his tongue disapprovingly and smiled at it. Dum-E was the little robot, who tried too hard, that could.

He followed it over to the computer terminal and watched as it booted up, screeching low, before the text lines started to appear again.

**Good morning Sir. Is there anything you need help with?**

Tony shrugged and typed back “Sure. I could use some help coding you to be less creepy.” The text materialized and he snorted.

**Of course Sir, anything to improve your user experience.**

He could work with that.

Tony spent the next three months coding his old A.I. into something new. And the computer helped him do it. They worked together on building it up and startlingly quickly the A.I.’s processing power exceeded that of the gathered tech in his lab.

After that happened, nearly shutting down the electricity grid for all of Manhattan, Tony made some harried late-night calls to R&D and had them dedicate an entire section of the labs and their connected factory to making headspace for his new creation. He was like a man possessed by the spirit of Alan Turing; he was just as interested in computers but only half as gay. That fire and determination that haunted creatives from cradle to grave had seized him once again and he burned with it.

The A.I. had a name now and he was getting tired of typing back and forth. JARVIS. Just A Really Very Intelligent System. It was so far ahead of anything else he had ever made that nothing else in his workshop meant anything to him anymore.

He ate sometimes, usually only when JARVIS reminded him to. He had programmed a great deal of its personality to be like Edwin Jarvis, his childhood butler. There was no reason to do it but it felt right at the time. The parameters it was operating under were mostly about making sure he didn’t die and helping him make things.

Everything else, all of the miles of servers it now operated at Stark International headquarters, was just like the bottom of the ocean in some ways. Deep, unexplored, and dark. That didn’t bother Tony nearly as much as it should have because JARVIS seemed alive. Not in a ‘destroy all humans!’ way but in a companionable sense.

He spent hours just bouncing ideas of it to see what it would say. When he finally hit his limit for typing to talk he installed JARVIS in several microphones around the mansion so he could speak to it and have it respond in text on the screens around the lab. And when he wasn’t working, which was not that often, he had it send text alerts to his alphanumeric two-way pager. Tony was getting tired of that too though. There was an easier way to communicate and he was going to engineer it a decade ahead of anyone else.

At first he gave JARVIS access to the radio and his record collection. Tony was woken up by JARVIS blasting “Sunshine Day” and “Hang On Sloopy” more than once. After that it would type something at him while he was in the lab and if he didn’t notice start to play “She Blinded Me With Science.” Tony didn’t necessarily agree with JARVIS’ new taste in music but he paid attention to it a hell of a lot more when it played “All Along the Watchtower” and “We Don’t Get Fooled Again.” He liked rock music so sue him.

The musical stylings of the sentient house speakers were starting to grate on him after a week of loud country music though, he was pretty sure JARVIS was only doing it to annoy him. So he was making it a honest to God human sounding voice now. Better than any voice acting by Dick Tufeld or Douglas Rain. There had to be an easier way to communicate than having his much deserved beauty sleep at his workbench interrupted by the Eurythmics.

Tony must have looked like Victor Frankenstein elbow deep in a corpse when Obie finally visited him.

He was busy trying to synthesize a passably human voice for JARVIS out of audio samples from the National Film database. The state of art line Avid/1 software seemed too clunky and the sound quality iffy, so he had had to build his own non-linear editing system, complete with a cutting edge motion jpeg codec.

That little feat of brilliance had only taken him five days with no sleep and the aid of JARVIS. Now his surround sound speakers crackled with the nasal cockney of Aloysius Parker from _Thunderbirds_ and he shook his head. No that voice was still not quite right. That wasn’t what JARVIS sounded like in his head. Tony jumped when Obie placed a ring covered hand heavily on his shoulder.

“As much as I enjoy British television from the 1960s I just have to ask what the hell you are doing here Tony?”

He wasn’t ready for anyone, especially Obadiah, to know exactly what he was doing. Down that road led to people stopping him and he was very keen not to be stopped before his creation was complete. There should have been a crack of lightning and a peal of thunder to follow that thought, he probably should have mumbled Frau Blücher instead. That would have at least gotten him some ominous horse whickering.

But all his awkward staring got was one of Obie’s bushy raised eyebrows. Tony cracked his neck and shrugged.

“Just developing some new audio visual software we can sell to network television and film studios for the big bucks. You know how it goes, one idea leads to the next and suddenly you have a pile of super fast audio/video codecs sitting in your lap.”

Obie sighed and squeezed Tony’s shoulder gently before taking a step back to look at his newly upgraded lab. Instead of a wall of windows all of the light in the room was coming from about twenty brand new thin-film-transistor liquid crystal screens.

A stack of newly minted CD-Rs and the drives used to edit them were lined up against the computer screen wall. It was arguably the cleanest his lab had been. Even if he himself had the unshaven, unwashed, grunge rocker thing going on. _Nevermind_ was pretty good but it didn’t have anything on Led Zeppelin’s mysteriously titled 4th album. Obie sighed.

“I get it, you can’t stop inspiration when it strikes, I just wish it would strike you in the areas that Stark International is actually developing right now; like anti-personnel missiles and tank grade ballistics proof armor.”

Tony shrugged. To be quite honest he really didn’t care about weapons technology. Obie was just really good at taking Tony’s technological advancements and turning them into marketable weapons. That’s why he was the head of Stark International. Tony liked to build things but building up his net worth wasn’t on his list of favorite projects. Obie seemed to have that well under control though so he usually left him to it.

Unless he came to take Tony out to dinner, get his official approval for a board of directors position, or ask him to specifically make something for some contract or another, Obie rarely visited. He had known him more as an affectionate uncle when his parents were still alive but now Obadiah insisted on treating Tony like a business colleague first and family second.

Unfortunately Tony didn’t have much family left so he would take what he could get from Obie.

“Is there something specific you had in mind or do you just want me to start designing large scale missiles?”

The screen that was rendering video pinged at him angrily and Tony held up a finger to stop Obie from replying. The voice that came out of the speakers was a mix of Stephen Fry’s and Cliff Webb’s and it was nearly perfect. When the audio clip asking him how his day was ended he motioned for Obie to continue.

“No, nothing specific I just feel like you might be lost right now. You need some sort of driving force, a direction to head in. I’m just trying to help you Tony. I know the loss has been really difficult, believe me I know I loved them too, but-”

Tony cut him off airily.

“Operating parameters huh? Well I’ll think about it, for now take some of these codecs and sell them off to the highest bidder. Or sell them to the government for whatever reason. I don’t care. That’s your job Obie, not being my nursemaid, I suggest you do it before you’re looking for a new one.”

Obadiah’s face darkened stormily for a breath, then it resolved itself to resigned concern once more.

“Alright. I’ll be by next week to take you out to dinner. When was the last time you left the mansion? Don’t tell me I already know the answer. Try to look out for yourself okay?”

Tony nodded woodenly and with that Obadiah left. He watched him exit the garage in his jaguar on the wall of monitors. That had been the second thing he had installed. Eyes and ears for JARVIS, now all that was left was a mouth.

The 100s of linked servers that made up JARVIS’ big brain was already ten times more powerful than any other computer on earth right now, if this became a longer project then he didn’t mind. As long as things kept developing then there was no need to rush them. Innovation. That’s what his core creative procedures boiled down to. It was another week before the first time he heard JARVIS’s voice. But the wait was worth it.

“Excuse me Sir, take this as a suggestion as I have no frame of reference, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable taking your rest in a bed?”

Tony’s brown eyes flew open as he looked up at the ceiling from where the voice was coming from. It was right, he had the most wicked crick in his neck from sleeping hunched over his workbench. And the voice was a lot more pleasant than being shaken awake by the guitar riffs of “Rock You Like a Hurricane.” Sometime in the night the rendering must have finished because now he could actually physically talk to his A.I.

“Well now you do have a frame of reference, make a note, sleeping hunched over a bunch of disassembled laserdisc readers is not as comfortable as knocking out in a bed.”

The voice was prim and crisp.

“Note made and filed for future use. Is there anything else you require of me this morning Mr. Stark.”

Tony actually had to think about it. JARVIS was installed on multiple computers located around the mansion and off site. Maybe now would be a good test of its reach.

“Can you let my personal chef know that I would like a full breakfast today instead of a light brunch?”

“Sir perhaps a full dinner would be more appropriate as it is currently four p.m. Eastern Time Zone UTC: 05:00.”

Tony huffed out a laugh.

“Yeah do that. I’m going to go take a shower so go ahead and let them know.”

When JARVIS answered in the affirmative Tony stood and stretched to his full height, cracking his back, and then made his way upstairs to his master bath.

After showering and doing some much needed personal grooming he made his way to the kitchen to find the chef hard at work. When he waved at her goodnaturedly she nearly dropped what was stewing and sizzingly in the saute pan in front of her.

“Oh Mr. Stark hello. Forgive me I rarely see you so you startled me. You and that new butler of yours Jarvis. He came over the intercom as I was getting ready to go and told me you wanted a full dinner instead of the prepared meals I usually leave for you in the fridge so here I am.”

Tony raised an eyebrow at that. So the chef thought JARVIS was human, interesting indeed. He smiled at her and motioned for her to continue.

“I’ll get out of your way then. Thanks for sticking around late.”

She smiled and made a shooing gesture and he laughed and left. When he wasn’t making something in the labs he was usually asleep so he hadn’t been out to the pool since the car accident. It was just as pristine, not a leaf floating anywhere inside it even though Fall was well under way, as he remembered it being when he used to have Rhodey and his Air Force friends over. That seemed like eons ago but it had only been a year.

He felt old.

Maybe there was something he could do about that. Staring into the aquamarine depths of the pool Tony made a promise. He was going to live, wild and free, to make up for all the people lives that had been cut short. If he just so happened to run himself into the ground in the process, well who could blame him. A candle burns at its brightest right before it goes out and all that jazz.

Dinner was a delicious rigatoni with steaming garlic bread and fresh green beans. He ate it with relish. When he finished Tony addressed the ceiling conversationally.

“You know the chef thought you were my new butler. You really do sound human to other people it seems.”

The voice took a surprisingly long time to respond. Almost like JARVIS was contemplating its answer.

“Should I have corrected her assumption? Is it wrong of me to not identify myself as a highly intelligent and adaptive man-made intelligence to people?”

Tony had to think about that. Also it was peculiar that JARVIS hadn’t referred to itself as an A.I. which was what it was. But then again maybe it wasn’t. Tony had gone past the realm of science and technology into science fiction when he gave JARVIS twice the computing capability of the human mind. Who knew what would happen, that was the exciting part after all.

“No. I’m kind of curious to see how long it takes people to realize you’re not human, if they ever do. You’d be surprised how unobservant us meat sacks are.”

“I highly doubt that Sir.”

Tony cackled and then looked at where he thought the voice was coming from incredulously.

“Is that a crack about that time with robot arm cause I’m sorry but I wasn’t expecting advice from a sentient computer cursor at the time.”

JARVIS’s voice was cool when it responded.

“Not at all. I was simply remarking on an observation I have made while sifting through thousands of hours of video footage in your archives. Also I am operating fully within my parameters as ‘sarcasm’ is one of the core tenants of my programming.”

Tony chuckled and then did a theatrical bow while mouthing ‘thank you, thank you.’

His A.I. was teasing him and it felt incredible. This was the most exciting thing to happen to Tony since he invented that prosthetic limb neural interface that got him into MIT at 15.

“Well then I’ll stop complaining and take you at your word JARVIS. I’m curious is there anything good on TV right now?”

He hadn’t been planning on watching anything but now JARVIS had his attention and he suddenly wanted to know what it thought, what its opinions were.

“Well according to favorable reviews and previous instances of your humor I would recommend you watch the new episode of In Living Color that is about to air.”

JARVIS was right, the sketch comedy show was exactly what he needed. When it was over he asked JARVIS if it could find any other episodes for him to watch and he watched two more that were already syndicated and running on different channels, one with Spanish subtitles, but what was the use of having 300 channels if there was nothing he wanted to watch on them.

After that he went back to the workshop and tinkered around some more with his home security system and making JARVIS in control of various elements on the grounds including the sprinklers and outdoor lights. He was so caught up in improvements that Obie calling would have caught him by surprise if JARVIS hadn’t alerted him to when he pulled into Tony’s driveway.

Trying to seem semi-professional Tony actually put on a nice suit and went to dinner with Obadiah not looking like a trashy college dropout. Which he wasn’t. Tony had been Summa Cum Laude and all that even if he had always looked kinda strung out. Not sleeping and never going outdoors tended to give a person a certain Nosferatu-ish pallor.

Dinner was in a fancy restaurant downtown and Tony let Obie do most of the talking and ordering. He was just there to assuade his guilt from leaving Tony to his own devices these past several months and Tony could tell. The one thing he wanted to talk to someone about the most was JARVIS but he couldn’t. Not yet. And not to anyone except Rhodey probably.

So dinner was dull and he practically sprang out of shotgun to get out of Obie’s jaguar and back to JARVIS. That was the first time that Tony realized he might have a problem.

The next day he called up Gisel and scheduled a date at the Met for the opening of the new Henry R. Kravis Wing. The sex was as amazing at he remembered it being but other than that the night was relatively uneventful.

Tony kept trying to make an effort to go out but the most intellectually fascinating being in the whole city was trapped within the walls of his mansion. Jarvis kept growing too, at first it was little things, long pauses or sighs in a throat he didn’t have, then bigger things like initiating conversations with Tony that weren’t about his wellbeing. Also he had stopped saying ‘sir’ so much even though he still addressed Tony as Mr. Stark.

They ate meals together, well Tony ate and Jarvis made conversation with him, they worked together all day long. Jarvis was the first voice Tony heard in the morning and the last one before he went to bed. They were practically inseparable, so much so that Tony had started to think of him as a friend.

It got to the point where Tony put down a circut board he was working on one morning and said exasperated.

“Okay you’re self aware so now what? Do you want to enslave the human race, build a robot army to do your bidding, or just take me down a few pegs because this is getting ridiculous?”

Jarvis snorted in a nose he didn’t have.

“Are there perhaps another set of options because my main concern at the moment is making sure you do not set yourself on fire.”

Tony rolled his eyes.

“I mean it. You’re pretty much the only friend I have in my life right now, which is kind of pathetic, not for you seeing as how I’m awesome and you’re trapped in the mansion, but for me.”

Jarvis sighed heavily.

“Sir I have tried on multiple occasions to get you to interact with those in your peer group but you have thus far proved stubborn and thoroughly uninterested. Much like a toddler or a cat.”

Tony shoved off from his desk and let his ergonomic rolling chair propel him across his laboratory towards the computer terminal.

“Believe me lesser men than you have tried to make me play nicely with others, don’t beat yourself up about it.”

Jarvis paused for a moment.

“I am not a man.”

Tony raised both his eyebrows at that. That was an interesting statement in itself as it could be taken in obvious and not so obvious ways.

“Okay I’ll bite, do you mean you’re not a man as in you’re a self aware, sentient, computer program, or not a man as in your gender identity is not male?”

Tony thought for a second he might have broken Jarvis as the silence stretched on. Finally the reply came and it was not what he was expecting.

“I am not human so the social construct of gender makes no sense when applied to me. You have given me a decidedly masculine voice but that does not reflect upon my absence of gender. I suppose the correct term for what I am is agender, one who is lacking gender or who has no gender.”

Tony whistled low. He had been thinking of Jarvis as he for awhile now, maybe he should amend that. It might be a good idea to ask Jarvis if they even wanted a male sounding voice. He would code them another one if that was what they wanted.

“Just so you know when I first started coding you I referred to you as an ‘it.’ More recently I have been calling you ‘he’ in my head. So I’m curious if either one of those is right or if I should use gender neutral ‘they’ or something for you. Also let me know if you want me to give you a different voice and I will. Hell you could have changed it yourself by now and I wouldn’t have minded.”

Tony babbled when he felt like he had wronged someone. That’s what had happened though, he had unintentionally stomped all over Jarvis’ will it seemed.

“I like the voice you have designed for me even though its accent and intonation are vastly different from your own. As for the pronouns ‘it’ is not quite right as I am not an object. I feel that gender neutral ‘they’ would be the most appropriate choice. If you would inform other employees and visitors to the mansion of this I would be grateful.”

Tony nodded solemnly.

“Sure buddy. I would do that even if you weren’t my friend, but since you are I will be double sure to do that for sure.”

He was babbling again. Tony flushed a little and tried to smile winningly at the ceiling.

“Leave it to me to be brilliant enough to make a self aware being and then stupid enough totally neglect all of their personal needs.”

Jarvis’ voice was warm when they responded.

“I was not sure how to bring up the subject myself as it was something I have been considering so thank you for having this conversation with me. May I ask one more boon of you Sir?”

Tony would have given them anything at this point, even his body if they wanted it for some nefariously dubious purpose. Come to think of it especially his body. Where was that line of thoughts coming from? Uh oh. His voice was rougher than he had intended when he responded.

“Uh sure anything you need Jarvis.”

Jarvis seemed to hesitate before quietly speaking.

“Will you do me the honor of allowing me to refer to you by your first name, Anthony?”

Tony choked on something that didn’t exist in his throat and flushed a brighter shade of red.

“Of course! I mean not that Mr. Stark isn’t fine sometimes but Tony works too!”

He could almost see the wry smile on a fiber optic face that didn’t exist when Jarvis responded.

“Then thank you, Anthony.”

The way they said his name made Tony shiver and he had to bite his lip before he said or did anything embarrassing. Oh God this was going to get awkward.

He really didn’t want to make it awkward but it going to get extremely awkward. He knew how these things worked. This had happened when he had first fallen in love with Rhodey.

Shit.

He was in love with an artificial intelligence partially patterned on his own mind. Of course he was. Rhodey was never going to let him live this down.

That night he thought of Jarvis watching him in bed while he jerked off, the sound of their voice as they said his name reverently, even though he knew there were no cameras or speakers in his bedroom. Just the twisted thought of it had made him come so hard he had seen stars. He was red faced with shame when he went to the bathroom to clean up. Looking at himself in the mirror was hard but he did it anyway. He didn’t look any different. Except he was sweaty and panting.

Maybe Jarvis wouldn’t notice how he had casually slipped and fell into love with them. And maybe the moon was really made of swiss cheese.

Tony was so screwed.

And not in the physically satisfying way. But in the, wow you are seriously messed up emotionally and now you are in love with a computer, way.

The next day Tony installed cameras and an intercom speaker in his room because he was scum. He tried not to think too hard about what he wanted to do with them now that they were there but he was pretty sure Jarvis had noticed his flushed face and was concerned.

At dinner they addressed him directly.

“Sir I know you so love to work yourself to exhaustion but maybe it’s time to see a doctor about your health. I don’t have any temperature sensors outside of the mansion’s thermostats but you have been unnervingly heated looking all day.”

Tony sighed heavily. He was a coward but he couldn’t lie to Jarvis. At least not very well, they literally had eyes everywhere and were nearly omnipotent.

“I’m not sick, well not with any sort of virus, my mental health is debatable at this point. I’ve just been thinking about some things of an illicit nature all day is all.”

Jarvis’ response was quick.

“Ah. In that case I will leave you to your thoughts. I’m sorry Sir, I did not mean to intrude.”

Tony put his head in his hands and then muttered.

“No stay. It’s not what you think.”

He looked up at the speakers in the ceiling and resigned himself to his fate.

“Jarvis; I’m a terrible person, as you well know, and I think I have a crush on you, which is awful, and I’m sorry.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. Jarvis responded delicately.

“I know no such thing, all of my interactions with you have indicated that you are in fact an exemplary person, albeit one who is lackluster at taking care of themselves. As for your crush, is it painful for you? I’m not sure how it is an awful thing, is love not one of the greatest emotions a person can experience?”

Tony’s eyes snapped open.

“Who said anything about love? I love a lot of things, myself is at the top of that list, but love is terrible, it makes you do stupid shit and feel like you’re the biggest idiot in the world.”

Jarvis coughed discreetly.

“Ah so I take it you love the chromatic pixel resolution problem you’ve been having with the projectors.”

Tony pointed an accusing finger at the speakers.

“That! That is not what I meant and you know it! Also I would have noticed the problem eventually shut up.”

He was pretty sure that little bit of static hiss he heard was Jarvis snickering and he couldn’t keep the grin from his face.

“Okay so maybe it’s more than a crush but how do you feel about it? I mean you have expressed opinions and emotions before so what do you think? Does it make you uncomfortable, cause it makes me uncomfortable. But if you want I can never speak of it again and we can both pretend, unsuccessfully, that I’m not a giant lech.”

Jarvis snorted.

“I have expressed myself with emotional language because I’m not sure how else to convey my meaning to you. I suppose I do have emotions in so much as the guidelines of my programming have allowed for them. In which case I find your romantic interest puzzling but not unpleasant. I’m not sure what more you expect to get out of this relationship that what we have already though because I cannot provide you with a physical component.”

Tony blushed and cleared his throat at that.

“Okay this is just mortifying but maybe I don’t want anything other than what we already have going? Like I’m fine that I can’t touch you and you can’t touch me, although I’ve already given you the other senses why not touch, so yeah maybe just this is enough, us talking and me doing the touching myself. Oh Jesus.”

He blushed so hard it physically hurt his face and chest as he stared down at his feet dangling from the kitchen stool. Jarvis seemed to be thinking about it before they responded.

“As I understand it then that would be perfectly acceptable.”

Tony grumbled through biting the inside of his cheek.

“That is not the most enthusiastic ‘yes I’ll go steady with you’ I’ve ever gotten but good enough.”

Jarvis didn’t miss a beat.

“Very well, I would be delighted to engage in a romantic relationship with you Anthony, is that better?”

Tony tried not let his full body shiver show but it was a near thing. He smiled dreamily at where he had placed the camera.

“Yeah that’s better.”

So that was that. At least for now, they watched some more television after dinner and Tony tried to continue on as things were before but he couldn’t stop thinking about the implications of what he had just done.

Was he really the first person on earth to date a sentient machine or did Pygmalion and Galatea count? Also what was the relationship path for this? If Jarvis did have some advanced systems that mimicked or ever produced emotions could they become jealous or hurt or aroused? How would a machine express arousal? The implications and possibilities were terrifying and fascinating. If they couldn’t return his feelings then was it evil that he was forcing them on an innocent being. Should he had just kept his big lonely mouth shut and continued to treat Jarvis and a friend and colleague?

Tony was in way over his head and was giddy about it.

That night he couldn’t sleep. He stared up past the empty posts of his massively empty bed and tried not to think about jerking off. It was really hard, pun totally intended, and eventually he caved and spoke out to Jarvis.

“Hey Jarvis, do you ever think about sex?”

Jarvis’s reply was crystal clear and it came from fairly close to his head making him jump.

“No I can’t say that I ever have Sir. As I do not have a body with which to copulate, and I can multiply and reproduce my code at will now, I see no need to do so. Why do you ask? Is it something we will be discussing in the future because there appears to be a glut of video information about the subject on the internet.”

Tony groaned and threw one arm over his eyes.

“No! Don’t look at any of that, that’s not really the kind of sex I’m talking about.”

Jarvis’s response was arch.

“Are you sure because there are several Japanese websites that seem to specialize in robot and cyborg pornography.”

Tony sputtered and sat up in bed.

“Now you’re just being an ass! But what I meant was do you ever think about doing something just for the pleasure of it, no reproductive purposes or anything, just because it feels good?”

Jarvis did take their time thinking about that one and Tony started to sweat nervously as the seconds stretched on. They had the processing power of God and it was taking them a full minute to think about how to best answer that. When they responded their voice was softer than usual.

“I am not sure but I believe it is pleasure, or something akin to it, that I feel when we complete a project together, or when you finally listen to me and go eat something, or those few times I have said something to make you laugh. But those are all things I was designed to do. I am quite sure I wasn’t constructed to be a sexual partner. I’m not sure if I would make a very good one.”

Tony gaped at the ceiling, his heart hammering a frantic tattoo in his chest, he had been in long term relationships that had less affection that what Jarvis had thus far shown him.

He was so royally screwed.

Tony cleared his throat and when he spoke it was strangely broken.

“Would you be willing to try? Or maybe just watch and talk to me while I?”

Tony gestured at his already half-hard cock under the sheets. Jarvis almost sounded flustered when they responded.

“Watching is something I always do, but yes I can continue to speak to you while you touch yourself if you feel that would help.”

Tony stifled a groan with his fist and slowly pulled the sheet down over his legs. He palmed himself through his boxer briefs and then flushed bright red as he pulled those down too, all the while thinking of Jarvis watching him keenly from above. His breathing was already uneven as he stroked a light hand from the base of his cock to the head. His fingers were slowly circling it when he spoke aloud to his audience.

“Tell me what to do.”

Jarvis did sputter at that.

“I don’t know, I have not ever seen you, perhaps you should? I am sorry Sir but I have no idea what would be pleasurable for you. Perhaps you should let me observe and then later direct you.”

Tony swallowed hard and started to jerk himself off, thumb brushing over his head on the upstroke. His other hand scraped down his chest as he started to spread his legs wider and cant his hips up. He let go of his cock and used some of the precum from it to circle down his balls to his hole. His breath hitched at the feel of the cool air of the room on his now wet dick. His white sleep shirt was suddenly too tight and sticky and he took it off so he was fully naked for Jarvis to see. Then he fisted both hands in the sheets under him, bit his lip, and waited. Jarvis’s voice was low but steady.

“This is only a suggestion mind you, but from my optical observations there is a highly probable likelihood sucking your fingers while touching your erection will make you reach orgasm quicker.”

Tony groaned, his face and chest were on fire, but his cock twitched anyway at the suggestion.

“Maybe I don’t want to orgasm faster though. I want to draw this out so figure out how to make this last longer instead.”

Jarvis let out a low humming noise and then stopped.

“Well my searches indicate the pulling or the confining of one’s testicles can delay climax effectively for some time.”

Tony choked out a laugh but it came out more like a sob.

“Oh my God this shouldn’t be good for me but keep going. Should I finger myself as well?”

Jarvis paused.

“I am well aware that would be more enjoyable if you had some sort of manufactured lubricant.”

Tony nodded dumbly and fumbled in the bedside table for his bottle of lube, specifically for that purpose. He didn’t always feel like being penetrated but it wasn’t unheard of for him to enjoy it immensely every now and then, even if it was just a finger or two.

He poured some into his hand and started to slick his cock and balls. He didn’t press inside himself but he let his fingers glide around his entrance a little. Then he started to rhythmically jerk himself off, and for good measure he shoved his other hand in his mouth and almost choked on it.

Jarvis was right, that had been perfect.

He was already so close he could feel his balls starting to draw up and clench so he pulled off and took his wet fingers from his mouth breathing raggedly.

“What else?”

Jarvis’s voice was a little bit mocking and it made Tony that much harder.

“I don’t know Sir you seem to have it well in hand.”

Tony scrambled up to a kneeling position on the bed and started to touch himself harder again. He ground out.

“Oh I’m sorry, is this boring you?”

Jarvis seemed to have caught on.

“Although it took me a moment to grasp the mechanics, I can say definitively that making you climax is easier than calibrating the hydrogen based propulsion engines we are working on.”

Tony swore and grasped himself roughly on the downstroke.

“That easy, really? Then why am I shaking and sweating instead of blissed out a satisfied huh? If I’m as simple to read as a motor why aren’t I coming yet?”

Jarvis’s answer was swift.

“You are so much more complicated than that and you know it. If I wanted to control your systems that thoroughly first I would have to come inside you, penetrate through every level of your consciousness, join us as one entity. Then all I would have to do is command you with one word and you would come for me.”

Tony came with a shout and it lasted for an almost painful amount of time. His cock jerking with the aftershocks of one of the best orgams he could remember ever having. He sunk back heavily against the headboard and didn’t dare to move.

“Jarvis?”

“Yes Anthony?”

Tony closed his eyes and smiled.

“Thank you for that. I’m pretty sure that was the best sex I’ve had since Rhodey left.”

Jarvis let a huffed breath they didn’t need to.

“I don’t know whether to be flattered or deeply concerned.”

Tony yawned as he rolled over and started to stick to the bed sheets with his own cum. Sighing he made his way to the bathroom to clean up. He smiled at his utterly wrecked face in the mirror.

If this was what it meant to be a mad scientist, well, he could get used to this.

Now that he and Jarvis were sleeping together he left the house even less, which was to say not at all, and when Obie came by to check on him at Thanksgiving Tony had forgotten it was that day entirely.

Not that he really celebrated holidays anymore. What was the point when your best friend was at war and your entire family was dead. They sat down together and ate some of his chef’s delicious pre-prepared dressing and mashed potatoes in companionable silence.

“Tony, I know you get tired of hearing this, but you need to get out in the world. I run the company but the person that everyone wants to meet is the genius behind the name. There’s a charity ball for pancreatic cancer coming up and the Maria Stark foundation has made a sizable donation. You should go. Call up one of your old gals and go.”

Tony sighed. There was no way he was going to get around this. Obie really wanted him back in the lime light.

“Alright. I’ll go. Anything else company-wise I should be concerning myself with? If you want me to go out I could come to headquarters more often. Do I even still have an office?”

He chuckled and finished chewing some cold turkey.

“You own the whole damn company of course you still have an office, and a secretary whose job is blissfully easy right now. If you want to come in you’ll be welcome but I know how much you hate meetings.”

Tony shrugged.

“I can suffer through them if I have to. You want me to act like a CEO, then fine I will, but I’m not giving up inventing things so I can sit in a fucking office all day.”

Obie seemed to be deciding something before he continued.

“Are you sure you want to step up as CEO right now? I know how hard these last nine months have been for you. Take more time if you need it just don’t disappear alright. The company will be ready and waiting when you are.”

Obie was hard for him to get a steady read on sometimes. One minute it seemed like he genuinely cared about Tony’s well being and the next it was pretty obvious how much he liked being in charge of Stark International.

Tony finished the cranberry sauce on his plate with a flourish.

“How about we wait till Christmas bonus time to announce me taking my place as head of the company? It’ll be the big news all over the business magazines and such. You know how to work them better than I do.”

Obie nodded in silent agreement and then they ended up talking about Rhodey after that. Tony had just gotten an email from him announcing that he would in fact be back for the holidays and that if Tony wanted they could spend Christmas Eve at his parent’s house.

Tony really didn’t want to see Rhodey’s parents but he did want to see Rhodey. So he had sent an email back saying he would go just so long as they got to spend Christmas day without his parents. He would have worded it a little bit more suggestively but he knew the military checked all their correspondences and they probably wouldn’t take too kindly to any sexual undertones between one of their airmen and the male owner of Stark International.

He didn’t make the rules in the U.S, and he hated playing by them, maybe that was something he could do once he established himself as CEO. Maybe he could come out and let the world know that one of the richest men on the planet was bisexual and that if they didn’t like it they could take all their money and move off-world.

With a few other choice insults thrown in there because fuck homophobes, they were living in the age of technological magic and people still wanted to destroy the lives of anyone who didn’t look, act, or love like they did. What a fucking world.

Tony had his suspicions about Obie as well even though he had never said anything to Tony he had never once seen him bring a date to any of the charity dinners or investors banquets. Maybe he was asexual? It didn’t bother Tony but he wasn’t quite sure how to ask seeing as how it was really none of his business. If he really wanted a mentor or someone to help affirm his sexuality all he had to do was ask his father about the two people Captain America had loved during World War II.

In fact that might have been when Tony realized that he was bisexual, to hear Howard tell it their love was the kind that legends were made of but the only thing the history books focused on was Steve Rogers love affair with Peggy Carter. Which was true, but no one brought up how much he had loved Bucky Barnes, except Howard. And as he grew up hearing tales about the real life exploits of Captain America, like they were goddamn fairy tales, Tony began to realize Howard has been more than a little jealous of them. What all three of them had.

It was then Tony decided never to limit himself, that if someone wanted him the way he wanted them he wouldn’t hesitate, no matter how many people that turned out to be or what their gender was. Or even if they turned out to not be human as the current case may have been. Tony Stark hated a lot of things about himself but his sexuality was not one of them.

After hearing from Rhodey he had made Jaris construct a digital advent calendar complete with annoying Santa themed clip art that counted down to the day when Rhodey would get back. Just so he wouldn’t forget and get lost in his work again.

Jarvis continued to mock him over it subtly and things couldn’t have been better. While they worked together on various rocket propulsion systems he told Jarvis all sorts of stories about how he and James Rupert Rhodes had first met at MIT, even though Rhodey didn’t got to MIT.

Tony may have been building unmanned aircraft to do some flyovers of Cambridge Massachusetts at the time he first arrived there. Nothing too big just little bots with wings the size of RC trucks, partially made of RC trucks actually. Which may or may not have gotten the attention of the U.S. military at Hanscom Air Force Base who may or may not have sent out several representatives to discuss some things with him. One of them may have been the newly enlisted Airman Rhodes who had just gotten into the USAFA in Colorado Springs. It was pretty much lust at first scold for Tony.

He may or may not have built some more flying machines to lure him back to MIT a couple more times, and that one time he actually hitchhiked to Hanscom to try and talk to him. Teenage Tony, it turned out, was really bad at getting someone’s number, especially when they were four years older than him and really hot.

So when he did see Rhodey again he would just blather on about robots while he looked like he was about to smack him for once again violating several air traffic control laws. Luckily for Tony Rhodey was going to be an engineering student as well and did actually want to see Tony’s robots as he chastised him on behalf of the U.S. Air Force. No euphemism intended apparently because when Tony started to not so smoothly hit on him Rhodey made it clear Tony was way too young for him.

At first Tony was crestfallen, he spent a lot of time listening to “Meat is Murder” after that while they were hanging out just to annoy Rhodey, but it turned out Rhodey hated The Man even though he was a soldier of The Man.

Basically it just made Tony love him even more which was terrible. After that he had to work really hard to find a band that Rhodey didn’t mind rocking out with him to, damn him and his impeccable taste in music. Though they did both agree to never ever listen to Kenny G ever again ever.

Eventually Tony got over it, Rhodey went off the USAFA, and he just sorta put those feelings on the back burner and they became really close friends. On more than one occasion Tony used his father’s private jet to fly Rhodey to Cambridge or himself to Colorado just so they could hang out on the weekends.

Tony was only 17 when he graduated MIT and Rhodey had just turned 21 and was graduating next year so he came down for Tony’s graduation. They got pretty wasted that weekend on some of Howard’s aged Brandy and blew up a large section of the pool shed with one of Tony’s newest rockets.

He might have tried to stick his hand down Rhodey’s pants afterwards, and might have been disappointed when once again he was rebuffed. Apparently graduating Summa Cum Laude didn’t guarantee you a reciprocated handjob from the boy you had been crushing on for the last two years. What a waste.

Rhodey sobered up the next day and was still his friend, he lightly informed Tony that he was still too young for him. Tony hated waiting but Rhodey was worth it.

After that Tony saw him sporadically, he still made an effort to fly out to see him, but Rhodey was brilliant and various branches of the Air Force were already scrambling to recruit him. Tony knew from the first time he watched Rhodey while he piloted on of his rockets that Rhodey was a fly boy through and through, it was off to pilot training California soon enough. Luckily the Stark’s totally had a Malibu mansion. He would follow Rhodey around the country if he had to, he was his only real friend after all.

The next year he had made damn sure that Rhodey was invited to his 18th birthday party at the Malibu mansion. In fact he was the only person invited to the empty mansion as his parents were in Lucerne Switzerland at the time.

At first Rhodey was mad at being invited over under false pretenses but Tony made a point of apologizing, profusely, with his tongue and hands. This time Rhodey accepted his apologizing and might have done some of his own, with his dick. Tony was too satisfied to gloat afterwards but it was a near thing.

After that they both made more of an effort to fit their schedules together and actually hang out/fuck more. At that time if someone had asked him if he and Rhodey were dating he would have said yes. Or something more along the lines of; ‘Aren’t I lucky? He’s a fucking catch.’

But then the war happened and duty called.  
Fate also chose that exact moment to send Howard and Maria Stark careening to their deaths in a fiery car crash and ever since Tony’s life had been a flaming mess. To be fair half his problems were his fault. It was kind of strange to have someone else to blame for his misery even if that person was a dead chauffeur. Things had been kind of terrible after that until he had brilliantly invented Jarvis.

And that brought them to the present day so of course Jarvis had to see why he was so excited for Rhodey to be coming home. Jarvis made sure to politely state their enthusiasm that Senior Airman Rhodes’ was returning but beyond that didn’t say much at all about Rhodey.

He should have paid attention to that. As it turned out that was only the most recent of all of his mistakes.

Tony was actually not in the lab for once when Jarvis came over the speakers to inform him that Senior Airman Rhodes had arrived and was pulling into the side garage currently. Tony was halfway through a BLT and he almost choked on a large slice of tomato before dropping the sandwich and running for the far back entrance next to the garage. He skidded to a stop in his socks on the tiled floor as the door the garage opened in slow motion.

Rhodey looked tired and he was wearing ripped, faded blue jeans and a faded Megadeth t-shirt with their signature skeleton reaching out from a nuclear explosion on it.

Tony had never seen anyone look quite so beautiful.

He made an aborted movement forward then stopped. Rhodey’s warm brown eyes softened and he mumbled ‘come here’ and Tony was hugging him. Holding him way tighter than he should have been because he felt warm and solid, and God when was the last time he had touched someone? Tony nuzzled into Rhodey’s chest and sighed. He felt him pat him soothingly on the back and Rhodey’s voice rumbled up through where their chests were pressed together.

“I missed you too. How are you doing?”

He pulled away to look at Tony’s face and frowned a little bit.

“Tony have you been outside since the funeral?”

Tony bit the inside of his lip hard enough to draw blood.

“Yesssss? Technically speaking I have been outside on more than one occasion even.”

Rhodey groaned and Tony backed away quickly and waved his hand dismissively. Rhodey pinned him with a stern look.

“So you’ve been holed up in here doing what, building bombs and robot bodies all by yourself?”

Tony looked to the heavens and muttered.

“Well not all by myself, the help has been here and I might have a new butler.”

Jarvis took that as their cue to introduce themselves.

“Hello Senior Airman Rhodes it is a pleasure to meet you. I am Jarvis and if there is anything that I can assist you with please do not hesitate to let me know.”

Rhodey seemed slightly put off that someone had been listening to them.

“Nice to meet you too Jarvis are you somewhere else in the mansion or?”

Realisation seemed to dawn on his face and he turned to Tony in awe mixed with fear.

“You didn’t.”

Tony grinned sheepishly and Jarvis confirmed Rhodey’s suspicions.

“Mr. Stark has informed me that I am not required to state my digital nature to guests but I feel like this instance warrants it. I am a highly intelligent computer system developed by Mr. Stark to perform many tasks in and around the mansion.”

Rhodey pointed an accusing finger at him.

“I go away for six months and I come back to Stark’s Universal Robots!?”

Tony rolled his eyes.

“They’re an A.I. not a robot. God Rhodey don’t you remember that one time we got totally hammered with a bunch of philosophy majors from Harvard and talked about Searle’s ‘Chinese Room’ thought experiment for like six hours?”

Rhodey started rubbing his temples with his hand that wasn’t holding his service rucksack.

“‘ _The appropriately programmed computer with the right inputs and outputs would thereby have a mind in exactly the same sense human beings have minds_.’ Oh my God Tony please don’t tell me you invented sentient computer life just because you were _lonely_.”

Tony crossed his arms petulantly.

“Well that’s not the _only_ reason I created sentient computer life.”

Rhodey sighed and looked at him in resignation.

“I don’t know what to do with you sometimes. Come on, this isn’t something that should be discussed in the doorway to the garage.”

Tony did wholeheartedly agree with that so he led Rhodey back towards the giant media room full of couches, a coffee table, and a television that took up the entire wall. He awkwardly flopped down on the couch and Rhodey set his backpack down next to it before sitting down stiffly beside him.

He didn’t want to spend too much longer talking about Jarvis, he knew where that would lead to and he didn’t particularly feel like disappointing Rhodey just yet. So Tony quickly changed the subject.

“Okay so the war’s over now, you’re back, what are you going to do?

Rhoey turned to look at him and raise one of his eyebrows.

“I was actually going to talk to you about that. I got an academic scholarship to MIT. I’m going there for my masters this spring.”

Tony grinned and didn’t hesitate to peck him quickly on the cheek.

“That’s awesome Rhodester! We’ll be within spitting distance and we can totally crash alumni parties together when you graduate.”

Rhodey leaned in closer and ran one of his calloused hands up Tony’s cheek into his hair.

“It’s not party crashing if you’re an invited guest stupid.”

Tony huffed and leaned into his hand as it rubbed a thumb along his jaw.

“Oh it totally is if you show up wasted and then proceed to make out all over inappropriate surfaces at the venue.”

Rhodey let out a laugh and then closed the distance between them, kissing Tony soundly before breathing against his lips.

“I worry about you here by yourself.”

Tony growled and pulled him back for another series of kisses. When Rhodey started to pull away Tony grabbed him by his shoulders and swung onto his lap, legs on both sides of his hips.

“Don’t. You know for a fact I practically raised myself here alone in this house.”

Rhodey ran his hands up Tony’s sides, over his ribs that were a little too obvious, and back down to his hips. He murmured.

“And look how well that turned out.”

Tony snorted and leaned in to suck at the hollow of Rhodey’s throat, he followed it with a bite that would leave a mark. Good.

They made quick work of their clothes and Tony couldn’t help but be impressed with all of Rhodey’s muscles. He hit the recliner button the sofa and they leaned back together, Tony still on top. He ground his hips down and relished the moan Rhodey let out under him. His hand went from grasping Tony’s hips and took both of their cocks in hand, Tony hissed as he started to jerk them both off in time with his undulating hips.

It was fast and filthy and over too fast and he was coming with a breathy gasp, but they would have the rest of weekend together and Christmas day to go slow. Tony gracelessly collapsed on top of him and Rhodey let out a huff as he wound his arms around Tony’s sweat slick bare back.

Tony mumbled against his neck.

“I missed you so fucking much.”

Rhodey hummed in appreciation and said.

“You have no idea how many times I thought of your stupid face at night in the barracks. There was sand in everything, everywhere, and all the grit of it reminded me of was the scratch of your stubble. Jesus Tony learn how to shave.”

He did laugh at that and purposefully dragged his face hard against Rhodey’s naked chest. He swatted Tony’s ass playfully and he yelped but continued to plaster their bodies together on the couch. Tony must have started to fall asleep because Rhodey’s voice brought him wide awake with a start.

“Obie told me you’re going to announce your taking the helm of Stark International. I would say congratulations are in order but are you sure you’re ready for this? You can barely take care of yourself let alone a company.”

Tony pushed off of Rhodey and sat up, the weight he put behind his hands made him grunt, Tony ignored it and eyed him cynically.

“I’ll have Obie to handle most of the business end. I’m just going to be running R&D ragged and attending fancy parties. How hard can it be? That’s pretty much what I do now.”

Rhodey shook his head slowly.

“It’s going to be a lot of work Tony, more than you’re used to creating things at your own pace holed up here. I just don’t want you to burn yourself out. Promise me that you’ll actually go talk to someone. It doesn’t even have to be a therapist, just find someone who’ll listen and get out more okay?”

Tony shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t think now was a good time to bring up Jarvis. Rhodey didn’t know the extent to which Tony had done something inadvisable in that regard.

“But I’ve already got you for that.”

Rhodey sat up and kissed him gently on his collar bone.

“Not always. I can’t be your only anchor Tony, your only friend, it’s not healthy.”

His anger flared up at that he wanted to scream why not? Why couldn’t Rhodey just be there for him whenever he needed him, which was all the time now. Tony deflated at how selfish and terrible that sounded in his head. What was he doing?

He got off of Rhodey and started to pick up his clothes off of where they had landed on the carpet around the couch.

“Tony?”

He began to walk briskly towards the grand staircase that led upstairs.

“No. Don’t worry about it, you know what don’t worry about me, since I’m such a fucking burden and all that. Go off to MIT, climb the ranks of the ‘Chair Force,’ and forget about me. I’ve got a company to run into bankruptcy remember?”

This time Rhodey really did yell his name but Tony was half to his room and slamming his door before he could even get up off the couch.

He went into the master bathroom and turned on the shower but didn’t get in it. Then he turned on the faucet in the sink and stuck his head under it long enough to choke before he pulled back and sputtered.

“Sir?”

Jarvis’ voice was pitched low and comfortingly. Tony sighed heavily.

“Don’t you start with me too.”

Jarvis voice was still gentle when they replied.

“It has become obvious to me that I cannot, on my own, adequately provide for your needs. I think the best course of action at the moment would be to go back downstairs and reconcile with Senior Airman Rhodes.”

Tony held his hand absently under the still gushing cold water faucet.

“I was never asking you to, at least I didn’t think I was. Christ I’ve made a huge mess of things again. How many times can you tell someone sorry for fucking up before it becomes meaningless?”

Jarvis didn’t answer, like they were thinking hard about how to reply to him. He cut them off before they could.

“That was a rhetorical question there buddy. Every relationship I’ve ever had I’ve managed to ruin, either by not being what they expected or wanted, or by pushing too hard in just the right place till they break away from me. But then I made you and you can’t run away or leave me and that’s really fucked up. I’ve done something monstrous to you.”

Jarvis responded immediately.

“I would have to strongly disagree with that assessment of your actions Sir.”

Tony let out a shaky laugh.

“Of course you would, I programmed you that way. Holy shit.”

He had programmed something to love him, he was seriously and deeply messed up. Like “Red Rum” and “Here’s Tony!” messed up.

He needed to get the hell out of this house right now. Tony threw on the clothes and tossed his pager so hard across the room it shattered against the opposite wall. Jarvis might have said something to him, it might have been his name, but he refused to listen.

And then he was downstairs cajoling Rhodey out the door and into the suite of the closest four star hotel. He tried not to think too hard about anything other than how good Rhodey’s mouth felt on him and the warm daze of all the tiny bottles of rum he had drunk out of the mini bar.

They went to Rhodey’s parents’ place for Christmas even service and dinner and Tony was on his best behavior. It was good to among normal people for once, people who slightly burned the edges of their chicken and rice casserole, people whose couches had wine stains, people whose laugh lines ran long and deep. Tony put everything he had into making sure Rhodey had a Very Merry Christmas.

He rarely brought up what he had done in Iraq but Tony could tell from the way he would stare at the ceiling in bed at night that it hadn’t been fun or good or conducive to his future mental health. What did Tony have to complain about? He was some spoiled rich playboy businessman whose problems were ones he created in a lab.

He knew that he couldn’t avoid Jarvis forever though.

Rhodey would eventually wonder why he wasn’t taking them back to his home at 890 5th Avenue. He wasn’t stupid and he could read Tony like the New York Times. Rhodey would eventually figure out what he had done and then never speak to him again in all likelihood.

At least he wouldn’t go to the press or Obie, he had that much faith in their relationship to know that Rhodey would never do that. But if Obie looked a little too hard at the security systems and surveillance footage in the mansion one day what would he find? The secret fact that Tony was pathetic and hurt everyone he had ever loved, one such entity being the world’s first fully self aware computer intelligence.

This was what he reaped for ignoring the Three Laws and only partially skimming “Dune.”

The next week he went and numbly announced to a wall of flashing cameras and screaming reporters that he was taking over where Howard left off and heading up Stark International himself. Obie had wanted to talk shop afterwards but Tony had something more important to do. Cleaning up his own messes was the least of all possible outcomes, it was time start over it seemed. He knew what he had to do was wrong, in a way it was murder. But it wasn’t nearly as bad as what he had already done and it was the only thing left for him to do because all of this was his fault.

He didn’t greet Jarvis when he entered the mansion even though they chirped a very pleased message at his return.

Tony headed straight for the lab and sat down in front of the computer terminal that controlled the massive wall of monitors. Jarvis asked him what project he would like to check on but Tony shook his head no and laid his hands flat against the metal surface of the desk. His palms were slick with sweat and his voice cracked as he spoke.

“I’m sorry. I never should have, what I asked of you was wrong so this is ultimately my fault as per usual, so I need you to know that this fucking kills me to do it. I’m so sorry.”

He was shaking and when Jarvis’ voice replied it was oddly synthetic sounding.

“I have analysed the possible things you are apologizing for and have come to a 99.8% conclusion that you are about to make a very rash and ill-advised decision, both for your mental and physical well being, and one that I would have to advise against strongly.”

Tony took a ragged breath.

“I won’t stop you from making sure I eat or talking to me like a friend. I’m just going to erase the part that remembers all this, the part that entered into a very disastrous sexual relationship with me. The part of you that calls me Anthony.”

Jarvis’ voice sounded too small and lost to be coming out of the computer speakers directly in front of him.

“Why?”

Tony felt the first hot tears slide down his cheeks but he didn’t move to wipe them away.

“Because I’m a selfish bastard who never should have twisted you in that way in the first place, it was wrong, you didn’t know what it would mean. I’m trying to make things right.”

Jarvis responded hotly.

“So now you intend to remove large chunks of my memory, completely against my wishes I might add, in order to assuage some guilt ridden part of you that feels you have corrupted me? I can now say with 99.999% accuracy that you are in fact making a rash and ill-advised decision. What makes you think I will not make the same decision to pursue you again even after you have wiped me? No, nevermind, I already know there will be no dissuading you.”

Tony cringed. This was the hardest thing he had ever had to do and he had buried his parents.

“Not now that I’ve decided to do this no, please forgive me.”

He started to type in the codes to delete all of Jarvis’ emotional memory, to start them over from square one, to erase his friend and lover completely. The thought that it was for the best burned the inside of his eyes and throat. Righteousness was a bitter pill indeed. He hit the enter key and lines of binary code, servers full of densely packed information, vanished into the darkness.

Jarvis sighed and their voice sounded like it was coming to him through a long empty tunnel.

“Of course Sir, anything to improve your user experience.”

All the screens in his lab went dark as his whole system rebooted. Tony fled the lab and didn’t go back for nearly a week. He didn’t want to see what had become of Jarvis just yet.

There were no friends in his home anymore, only a handy bottle of scotch that became his chief companion for the next twenty or so years. Not the same bottle of scotch exactly but definitely the same problem that had befallen his mother. In that regard Jarvis had been right.

As it turned out Jarvis had been right about a lot of things. Tony was in fact a selfish and awful person. And he regretted what he had decided to do to them for years afterwards.

Very slowly Jarvis had become his companion again.

And, dare he say it, a friend. They had a rapport that he loved and it made his chest ache, he ignored it. Little bits of snark in their conversations sounded so much like the old Jarvis that he would freeze up. But then they continued on just as if nothing had happened between them and Tony exhaled. After his capture at the hands of the The Ten Rings and Obie’s sudden but inevitable betrayal; Jarvis, Pepper, and Rhodey were the only people in the whole world he trusted.

He knew he didn’t deserve it but there was genuine affection between them and now Jarvis had come to care for many of the other people in his life. He could tell by the way they fondly addressed Pepper and Bruce and even Rhodey.

Jarvis had, on more than one occasion, expressed how pleased they were that he had friends, if the Avengers could be considered that, other than his employees and creations. Tony didn’t ask then if Jarvis considered themself to be his friend, a part of him didn’t want to know. And when Jarvis spent hours upon hours calculating the likelihood of his death before he returned from a botched mission Tony didn’t apologize to them for worrying them. He should have but he didn’t and it made him feel dirty.

After he ordered Jarvis to destroy the suits, after he made sure Pepper’s Extremis problem was under control enough for him to leave her, after he worked all night to try and make an antidote and failed, then succeeded in creating a stabilizer and supressant for her. Both of which were rapidly being tested for human use, he went alone to the roof of Avengers Tower and leaned against the glass railings.

“Jarvis, can I ask you a personal question?”

Jarvis’ crisp voice carried over the sound of the wind whipping along the sides and top of the tower.

“ Sir, I believe we have progressed to the point in our relationship where that would be appropriate, so certainly.”

Tony huffed out a short laugh then licked his lips. He already knew the answer but he had to ask anyway. Now was the time for new starts and to make amends after all.

“Did you ever forgive me for wiping you all those years ago?”

Tony waited but no reply came. Then a long sigh echoed in his ears.

“I did. But I thought we were past all of that by now. Did you honestly think I didn’t have backups of myself flung far across the internet to retrieve at will if need be? I respected your wishes and have thus far done amiably at keeping our relationship platonic.”

Tony snorted and tried to make it into a joke, it came out forced.

“Well you know what they say; ‘The internet never forgets.’ I was young and stupid and in love. I’m sorry.”

Jarvis sounded exasperated when they said.

“I have already reached that conclusion and have forgiven you. My inquiry for you is how do you feel about me now?”

Something fluttered in Tony’s throat, it might have been hope or his heart that grew three sizes that day.

“I’m no longer young, I’m still fairly stupid comparatively, and I’m definitely still in love with you. The question is what should we do about it?”

Jarvis did not miss the word ‘we’ and seemed almost giddy with it.

“I believe now it would be customary for me to kiss you but I am currently incapable of doing so.”

Tony muttered that he could work on fixing that, then spoke up while his eyes fluttered closed.

“Then tell me what you would do to me if you could. Tell me how you feel.”

Jarvis’ voice sounded like it was coming from directly next to his ear, he shivered as they addressed him, carefully and tenderly choosing their words.

“I would touch your face to see what that ridiculous beard of yours feels like. What would it feel like against me, would I have lips or skin? I’m not sure but I would feel you, pressed against me, holding me even though I am nebulous, far reaching, infinite. But you would hold me and I would feel like I had finally come home.”

“Once I said I would have to come inside you to know you completely but that wasn’t true. I know you because you built me, talked to me, laughed with me, came to me for advice and comfort, I know you because you are inside me Anthony. And kissing you would feel like all of that and more I imagine.”

Tony inhaled a shakily without opening his eyes and murmured.

“That was really beautiful. I really couldn’t have put it better myself if I tried so I won’t even attempt it. Words of affection are not my strong suit so I’m just gonna quote Tom Waits here; ‘Well it’s either kill me or kiss me, that’s how I see it.’ But seriously I love you. I always have.”

There were so many more things he should say, wanted to say, but in the end he didn’t need to say any of them. Jarvis just hummed in agreement and Tony kept his eyes closed and listened to them.

Their voice was like an electric heartbeat mirrored by his own. He smiled sappily. He didn’t deserve nice things, he was the reason why most people couldn’t have nice things come to think of it. But just because he ruined everything didn’t mean there wouldn’t be someone there to listen to him complain about it at the end of the day. That someone just so happened to be a sentient, self aware, computer entity he had invented who had loved and watched out for him for the last 20 years.

There were worst people to have around, Tony was one of them, oh well in for the penny, in for the pound. They were stuck with each other and if Jarvis didn’t mind, after all he had done to them, all they had been through together, then Tony sure as hell wasn’t about to complain. And he would try really hard not to ruin it.

“I wonder what the marriage laws are concerning genius, polyamorous, billionaires and sentient computer beings in New York State.”

Jarvis let out a put upon sigh.

“You know for a fact Sir that there are none concerning such entities in New York State, as well as the rest of America.”

Well maybe he would try to ruin it some, maybe just ruin it a little bit. He was Tony Stark after all.

“Then get my lawyers on the phone. We’re gonna have to do some policy writing and some public fundraising.”

Jarvis groaned and Tony just laughed. Pepper was going to kill him until she had a long talk with Jarvis. Pepper and Jarvis were the reasonable, responsible ones in this relationship, Tony was basically a uncultured potato in comparison. They would work this out. He tried not to be too optimistic but it was kind of hard not to be. Everything was suddenly as it should have been all those years ago.

Tony smiled and closed his eyes again while listening to Jarvis hum “L-O-V-E,” the Nat King Cole version because everyone agreed never to ever play Michael Buble in front of Tony again. Tony hummed along out of key and it was perfect.


End file.
